[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
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I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.