I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
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So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
three things we don’t talk about
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Very good! 👍😂
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.