The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
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Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice