The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
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Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
sugar glider wrangler
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?