The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
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airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo