The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
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[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake