The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
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[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Plant care tips
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Storm Tropical Storm
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn