The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
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I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in