The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
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[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!