This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
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Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I need this for my side hustle.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*