The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
You Might Also Like
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I just tested negative for patience.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Bless you
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing