The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
🌱🌱🌱
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.