The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
My Guy
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.