The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
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Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
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My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.