The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
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I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
stop
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
why would tinder want me to say this
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Bringing home a sharpie
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.