@man_spach: The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
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@_davidlucas_: Don't forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
@jimmy_boston: Wife: Did you get eggs? Me: pew pew Wife: Great lasers, so did you? Me: pew pew pew pew pee Wife: Why me god. Me: *barrel roll* pew pew
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: what's your biggest weakness? Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that's for sure
@Mr_Kapowski: Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.