@Rollinintheseat: The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it's okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
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@rachelle_mandik: ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring. MOM: Honey, for the last time you're not at a sleepover. You're married.
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler. Me: ...I thought her arm was on fire. Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.