The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
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What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
This is so me 😂😂
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew