The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
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Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
The prophecy is fulfilled
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.