[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
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Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one