I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
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If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak