Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
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In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?