@KentWGraham: The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
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@fro_vo: MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands* AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
@Phook75: Looking at our latest Comcast bill and I can only pray that our daughter has zero aspirations for college
@ArfMeasures: ME: Off to the concert with my friends WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me [later] ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
@Sickayduh: [Phone rings] Babysitter: Hello? Dude: Dont. Go. Upstairs. Babysitter: Wha.. What's upstairs? Dude: NOT MUCH, STAIRS, WHAT'S UP WITH YOU