The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
man i love columbo
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
The legends speak of a third Duran…