@TheAlexNevil: The Mrs recognizes my "tell" when I've seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud "A-OOGA" noise.
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@TheTweetOfGod: Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
@MrGeorgeWallace: Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
@saucy_peaches: My mom always said that I'd never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
@MUMSIEesq: SECURITY GUARD: You can't bring open containers of alcohol in here. ME: This is a service beer.