@TheAlexNevil: The Mrs recognizes my "tell" when I've seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud "A-OOGA" noise.
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@Tups13: I hate when I think of a great tweet and discover someone did it already. It's like that time I invented the wheelbarrow.
@Sickayduh: "911 what's your emergency?" - I've been catfished by a dozen men "We're on our way" - Gonna arrest them? "Gonna shut off your internet"
@iinkedZombie: All of these people are screaming like they've never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
@Chumpstring: client: i’m nervous attorney: relax prosecutor: the defendant is guilty attorney: oh my god [looks at client] client: what attorney: you said you were innocent