The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
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Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Put a ring on it
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.