The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
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Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.