The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
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My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.