Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
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The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
“Wait, let me explain..”
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.