So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
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on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench: