The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
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People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
This raises questions
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
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After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
peep davidson
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.