@krissywillbretz: [Spelling bee] Dad Judge: your word is "arson" Contestant: can you use it in a sentence? Dad Judge: You're not arson, you're adopted.

@HomeProbably: The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

@ghostkrogh: every time i think i've met the perfect girl it's three raccoons in a trench coat who rob me again

@_ElvishPresley_: him: hi, I’m Tom me: nice to meet you uhh... my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago me: m...mom

@OkieGirl405: Roses are red Violets are blue Meet me in bed To learn something new Pfff....poetry is easy