@robdelaney: The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it's not but they are lying.
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@krissywillbretz: [Spelling bee] Dad Judge: your word is "arson" Contestant: can you use it in a sentence? Dad Judge: You're not arson, you're adopted.
@HomeProbably: The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
@ghostkrogh: every time i think i've met the perfect girl it's three raccoons in a trench coat who rob me again
@_ElvishPresley_: him: hi, I’m Tom me: nice to meet you uhh... my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago me: m...mom