@LlamaInaTux: Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment McDonald's employee: ok

@PAT_E_ROCK: I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

@abbycohenwl: Me (texting): Help I'm in the pantry hiding from the murderer Murderer: Probably shouldn't have used speech-to-text

@Bob_Janke: Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for "the big stupid looking guy" see who they bring you

@NickSwardson: You know you're hung over when people recognize you but they think you're E.T.