The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
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{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
groan^2
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Monday?
No. Next question.
reminder
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.