In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
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The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.