“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
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“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
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“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.