“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
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Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.