“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
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Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.