The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
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My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me