Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!