Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
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shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Sing it!
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.