The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
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The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
my dog when i have a friend over
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I’m already scared
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.