The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
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I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Don’t snitch tag.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
i choose….tongue
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Never ghost your hitman.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere