The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
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me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.