@STEELERS1972: The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I'm the only one not invited. Weird.
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@Fred_Delicious: [Biden runs into the oval office] "Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed"
@Lowenaffchen: Glue a tiny mirror over your driver's license photo so when you hand it to the cops they get confused and start arresting themselves instead
@itsa_talia: one time a friend asked me "how are you still single?!" and the list of reasons is still compiling in my head