@dril: the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
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@TheAlexNevil: Me: Are you scared? 7: A little. M: Me too. It's ok. I'm right here. 7: M: Wife: Oh my god--it's just broccoli!
@envydatropic: If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do? You go home because it's your favorite one being used Math is easy
@yendys1: Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he's allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
@botandy: 'we love the sea because it's where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago', I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress