The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
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My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.