Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
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I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
This makes total sense…
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
My wedding will be open casket.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
When your parents check you’re ok.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”