Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
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Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend鈥檚 burger grilling
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly 陆 a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3陆 kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I鈥檓 cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
yeah but what if it 饾椂饾榾 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn鈥檛 like 饾槅饾椉饾槀
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn鈥檛 used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Five Guys: that鈥檒l be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
3-year-old: Let鈥檚 play zombies
Me: OK
3: You鈥檙e the dad zombie, I鈥檓 the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Personal trainer: How鈥檚 your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you鈥檝e been eating?
Me: You may not