The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
You Might Also Like
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Happy weekend !
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.