@RidiculousSheri: The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
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@leshnevsky: How to make a woman crazy in two steps: 1. Take a picture of her 2. Don't show her the picture
@OddMarc: If you don't walk sideways chanting 'crab people' when holding tongs, we can't be friends.
@panmidwest: ME: I made you some coffee! It's even double filtered… fancy right? WIFE: ME: WIFE: couldn't separate the coffee filters could you? ME: no