If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
You Might Also Like
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.