@ryaninco: The neighbors yard smells like weed. I'm glad those seeds I threw over the fence are starting to grow.
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@Cyd10e: If every day is a gift, I'd have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day. Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
@SuSuSuDonym: If Paula Deen's new cookbook isn't titled 'Fifty Shades of Gravy', I'm going to lose a considerable amount of money on the bet I just made.
@kentgrossarth: Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They're from my boyfriend. Now I'm going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don't you have a vase?
@zachreinert03: If I see someone is too drunk I take their keys. Not for safety, they're probably blacked out and just won't remember I stole their car.