@ryaninco: The neighbors yard smells like weed. I'm glad those seeds I threw over the fence are starting to grow.
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@wilw: Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW! Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door* Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
@Mike_Wrong: Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. "Will the defendants please rise"
@DannyZuker: My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn't seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
@offbeatoliv: Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is "guilt" I pretty much have it in the bag.