The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
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16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?