@Hobo_Splendido: The nephew I'm babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
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@KentWGraham: I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
@evidentlyblonde: Open an ice cream shop with flavors like "don't be sad," "they're not worth it," "you deserve better" and see if people don't flock right in
@SteveSuckington: [high school] Teacher: do u have your homework? Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
@trevso_electric: On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?