My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
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As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.