The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
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If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Anime is real
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
My teenage children choosing violence
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Me irl
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”